Making New Friends

Among a group of friends, "Lady" was talking about a new job that, after a long search, she had been offered. The job offer was very attractive and would give her career a big boost but she was considering not accepting the offer because the job would be located in another city.

While I could understand that moving to a new city could pose many new challenges, to me, it did not seem like enough of a reason to turn down such a great opportunity.
Her friends told her that the new city was modern and beautiful. Each talked of their own visits to this city and how they enjoyed their time there. Lady went on to talk more and while she spoke, I came to understand that the biggest issue for her was that she would be separated from her family and friends and that neither she nor her husband knew anyone in the new city.

I got it, but I didn't get it...

Father teasing his daughter

The thing is... her social network is in fact her whole life.
Here in Kurdistan, you are created by and for other people. If I consider the question more deeply, I imagine that I would find something similar in the US but it is very different here and, in some important ways.

The family into which this woman was born, and grew to adulthood in, not only shaped who she is in terms of personality, but also in terms of her public, social self. Her many brothers, sisters and cousins have been her friends and playmates since before she can remember. While she would later make friends outside of her natal family, only one or two would eventually be allowed to be close to her and her family.

As she has gone through life, it is this tight-knit social network that has secured her schooling, helped her shop, choose a home, meet and marry her husband. It is this same social network that, in times of trouble, she turns to for security and for reassurance. It is a social network that has sculpted her sense of self and secured her livelihood. It is a network that has taken her a lifetime to build and will be the network that sees her to her final rest, and will continue after her, securing the lives and well-being of her children.

You can't just make new friends in a new city.
It just doesn't work like that.

Sharing meat between family and close friends.

Making friends here has been challenging and unfortunately I have found that most of the people I have encountered outside of my familial network (that is, the social network of my husband) are not interested in friendship, but instead, advantage.
I also don't have the experience or social history here to always be able to tell who is who and what is what.
More recently, I was introduced to the wife of my husband's dear friend.
I was hesitant after so many false friends, but liked her immediately. Since then, we have become a great deal closer. But if you think about it - this friendship was sort of preordained. My husband and his friend have been close since childhood. His wife, like myself, is connected to their social network of family and close friends. That means that half the work of choosing a friend is already done if I choose someone who is already tied in to our social network. They have the same interests, the same social responsibilities and both of us pay the same social debts to each other and each other's families should things go badly.

Tea warming over the heater

Relationships like these are built over a lifetime, through ties of blood and marriage.
Relationships like these are fed on the sweetness of respect and cups and cups of strong Kurdish tea, hastily made as guests appear at your door.
No, you can't just make new friends in a new city.
It just doesn't work like that.